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Bill, the Galactic Hero:
It was the highest honor to defend the Empire against the dreaded Chingers, an enemy race of seven-foot-tall lizards. But Bill, a Technical Fertilizer Operator from a planet of farmers, wasn't interested in honor-he was only interested in two things: his chosen career, and the shapely curves of Inga-Maria Calyphigia. Then a recruiting robot shanghaied him with knockout drops, and he came to in deep space, aboard the Empire warship Christine Keeler. And from there, things got even worse.
Planet of the Robot Slaves:
War demands sacrifices, and if you've lost one left arm, have an artificial foot and a set of nifty surgically-implanted tusks, it's a small price to pay for the privilege of being a hero. And Bill knows all about heroism - as part of a motley crew his new task is to track down the source of Chinger-controlled metal dragons that are making mincemeat out of humans.
Planet of Bottled Brains:
Bill should know that you never complain in the Troopers. But when his new foot looks like turning into something green, scaly and abundantly clawed, a visit to the medics would seem to be reasonable. But before he can say 'Quintiform computer error' he seems to have got himself volunteered again, this time for a suicide mission on Tsuris - the planet nobody ever comes back from. A number, exactly a billion in fact, of Tsurisians have no body at all to speak of, and reside in bottles, which as Bill remarks, is an awful lot of bottles. And Bill is going to need all the bottle he possesses to get himself out of this one.
Planet of Tasteless Pleasure:
He's the perfect Spaceship Trooper: big, strong and completely brainwashed. He's the perfect hero: willing to do almost anything to save his own neck (perhaps one of the only body parts that's still his own). Bill is in the hospital, vainly hoping for a real foot to replace the satyr's foot he's been lumbered with. Not that he has anything against satyrs - at least not until one grabs him by the foot and pulls him under the ocean into a world of unspeakable and endless pleasures! Roaming this dimension of primordial desires, Bill faces dragons and gunslingers for the sake of true love - and a really good beer!
Planet of Zombie Vampires:
BILL - the perfect Starship Trooper: big, brawny, and brainwashed. Possessor of two right arms (impressive when it comes to saluting) and a foot that is threatening to turn into something more suited to being an umbrella stand than anything that could be squeezed into a size 11 sneaker. A perfect recruit for the good ship Bounty, bound for the Chinger war and carrying a cargo of as nice a company of homicidal misfits and maniacs as you could wish to meet outside of a penitentiary asylum (which is where they've just come from).
Planet of the Hippies From Hell:
For all the years that BILL had served in the Troopers, with all the hard beds, hard heads and no creds, any booze on offer was probably embalming fluid, or worse. An assignment there promised bubbly, brandy and beer galore - enough to give BILL's right arms (both of them) at last some idea of just what they were for. But that was before Uncle Nancy's Cross-Dressing Emporium. And the Time/Space Resonation Nexus. And the Hippy from Hell. They were enough to completely alter a person's perceptions of reality. And, like, totally bum him out.
The Final Incoherent Adventure:
The army's made him what he is today - the perfect Starship Trooper, proud possessor of two right arms and a lockerful of feet suitable for every occasion. This time he really put his foot (the Swiss-Army one with the special attachments, secret compartments, collapsible mess-kit and condom-dispenser) right in it. BILL's been volunteered to join a suicide squad run by Captain Cadaver to the well-known hell-hole planet of Eyerack. The orders are DEATH OR GLORY - and GLORY made a point of never returning the invitation to the war. So. Can this really be it. The Long Goodbye? Zero Hour? Harmonicas at dawn? The end of a brilliantly undistinguished career of military mishaps? What can I tell you? This IS BILL's final incoherent adventure!
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